Night On The Mountain Of Fear
by Toni Shining Hawk
In spiritual work, an adept must go through traditional ceremonies, many with the aim of conquering the number one detriment to a purposeful life. That detrimental factor is fear.
I had no reference for what I was about to do. Newly settled in California, I sought two things; a job and a sweat lodge.
You can read a bit about that journey in an earlier post entitled “How I Became A Healer”.
I grew up on the South Side of Chicago where summer made every house without air conditioning into a sweat lodge. But California, with its soothing to skin peeling sunshine, was teaming with backyards dedicated to the Sweat. Some of them clothing optional (it is completely dark inside). I settled on a lodge in Pasadena, California.
My journey as a Shaman began at this lodge. I met the teacher who would help me open up that doorway between the Spirit world and the mundane. This was my first experience with Ceremony, my first Give-Away, my first walk around the Wheel. I studied the plant world and “Called Up The Sun”. I felt more at home than I ever felt growing up where my nickname was Space Cadet. Mean at the time, but kinda true now.
When it was time for my first test, I was really nervous. We were going camping in Joshua Tree State Park.
Now, like I said before, I am from the South Side of Chicago and as a P.O.C., I would never think about going into the desert by myself, but there I was, in my car driving through endless hills and mountains, incredible wind farms and farming land, headed for a place with no cell reception. But scorching sun, wild dogs, snakes, lizards, and an endless supply of treacherous insects? No problem. That would be in abundance.
This was NOT me.
I am a Taurus. I enjoy comfort and calm. I love the Mama, but there was only one brief time in my life where I lived without the comfort of city living (I came away from that time with few fond memories). But I am also on the cusp of Gemini and the need to engage the wider world keeps pushing me forward.
So I keep driving and finally pull into the camp grounds.
There were seven women in the group. We became acquainted and got down to the business of setting up camp. I had a borrowed tent and my daughters sleeping bag. Compared to the professional looking gear scattered around the other women I realized that summer camp is not camping. This was real camping. This was serious…and I was hungry.
The adepts were required to do a cleanse a week before and fast one day before the ceremonial weekend. My stomach was grumbling and growling for sustenance, but I was up for this. I couldn’t go home now.
That stubborn part of me would not allow it.
After set-up, we took our places around the fire to hear stories and wisdom from our elders. We learned how to make medicine pouches until it was time to enter Ceremony.
Some in our group were further along in their studies and had more advanced ceremonies to perform, but we all set off in that moment to find the wisdom in facing our Shadow Selves. We were going to be out in the desert ALONE…ALL NIGHT.
It was at this point that I KNEW I had gone crazy. The closest I’d ever come to a mountain was the Indiana Dunes.
The sun was slowly slipping into the horizon and I had finally found my power spot. I figured I probably should have my back to something solid, so I chose a rock formation that had a ledge where I could create my circle of protection and have some protection from the cold winds of a desert night and maybe even a predator or two as well.
Heading back to our camp for last instructions and ingredients for our protection circles gave me time to check my sanity one last time. My stomach protested again, but I could feel myself getting a little excited (or more terrified…same thing?).
I looked at my tent with my daughter’s sleeping bag inside (I wouldn’t be able to use it tonight) and the fear of what could happen began to slip up my spine. My mind kept making up scenarios of me being eaten by something big and wild.
What would my husband say to our child about her mother’s demise?
“Honey your mother went crazy, walked into the desert and never returned.”
My teacher also threw in the added bonus of reporting that there were portals in the desert that could spit us out into remote sections of the park, if we should stray too far from our chosen spots.
OK…WHAT?
Before leaving the official camp ground, my teacher asked each of us for some small personal item so that she could check in on us energetically. I really hoped that the energetic check-in was a real thing, because I grabbed on to that as my life line.
In return she gave us all something small belonging to her. My touchstone was a tiny jade turtle that fit into the palm of my hand. It was beautiful and though I didn’t understand how this little glass thing could be a communication device…off I went to my spot.
The fear was gaining ground inside me.
Using the ingredients I was given, I carefully followed the instructions for building my circle, said my prayers and closed the circle. Once closed, I was not going anywhere until morning. We were told in no uncertain terms that we were not to leave the protection circle until then.
The fear was mounting and there was no one but me to talk to about it.
So I did what I do when I’m afraid. I sing. I figured the sound would keep the critters away from me too. I didn’t think about the sound being a kind of beacon for meat eaters.
The sun soon disappeared and the dark sky became very big. It was never something I really noticed in the daylight living in the city.
In the darkness, the stars stood out in the sky and I stood in my circle, singing. So far, so good.
At some point, I noticed two lights in the distance. They looked to be headed in my direction, My rational mind was thinking that the park rangers heard me singing out beyond the camp grounds and were coming to tell me that I couldn’t sleep this far out of bounds. That would have actually been fine with me at this point.
I watched the lights get closer. Two white lights hovering together…until one of them shot up into the air and was gone.
OK!
That was it!
Sirens were going off in my head. I wanted my wonderfully cozy bed, my family close by, and absolutely no more of whatever this was. But it was dark. I could hear the sound of a guitar echoing from the distant camp grounds. I could probably make it back to camp, but I was too afraid of winding up in one of the portals my teacher spoke of.
I shifted my focus back to the single light. It remained close to the ground and continued to float in my direction. So many things go through your mind when you see something you can’t explain. My prevailing thought was that I had moved all the way to California only to be abducted by aliens.
ALIENS!?!
We were told earlier in the day that as long as we stayed in the circle, we would be protected. But was I?
I had a feeling that anything that could shoot into the sky could probably navigate my crude little circle. That little jade turtle was in my hand and I called to my teacher while squeezing it tightly…Nothing.
The hovering light stopped just short of my rock formation where I stood in my circle and that is how my night went. I watched it. It watched me. I was scared stiff…literally. I prayed and called to my teacher…Nothing…Hello?…Nothing.
But I stayed put.
I called to my ancestors. I called to my great-grandmother and grandmother, quietly asking for their protection.
After hours of watching this light hover near me, I heard the words “look up”.
The fear hadn’t allowed me to do anything but focus on my unwanted visitor. I was afraid to look away. But as soon as I changed my perspective I could see what had been there all along. Above my head was a cluster of lights, not unlike the one I had been studying all night. There were SO many. It was as if the stars had come down from the sky to hover over me.
My fear had not allowed me to see the wonder of the moment. I was sure no one heard my plea for help. I was wrong. These light beings had come to meet me, calm me, protect me, and welcome me to my true calling. The feeling of love was so overwhelming, I began to cry just as the birds began to sing the morning into being.
One after another those loving lights shot up into the lightening sky, including the one that had been the object of my fear, and I cried because now I understood what had drawn it to me. Now I knew that these brilliant lights were somehow spirits that loved me. That they were all there to connect with me. It felt like they had been waiting for me to step onto the path that I now walk.
As I tell this story, it still seems surreal…and crazy. Yet it is all true.
This terrifying night on the “Mountain of Fear” was the most profound experience of my life.When I finally broke the perimeter of my circle, I felt lighter and happier. I didn’t want the feeling to end.
Back at the campground, the elders had breakfast cooking and though my mouth watered when the smell of scrambled eggs hit my nose, I wasn’t hungry.
My teacher said that she checked in on us through the night. My first instinct was to be skeptical. How come she couldn’t hear me calling? Then I allowed that she may have sensed my distress, I don’t know. She may have also sensed my visitors and found them to be exactly what they turned out to be.
My protection.